A long time ago, in a stardate far far away — 23,976,325,795,256,735 to be exact — the starship Redundancy finished its three-and-a-half-year journey to investigate a large, black, rectangular box on the moon. It took this long because the navigators took a wrong turn, and the map flew out the window. Major Tom and astronaut Dave began a spacewalk to repair the communications satellite when suddenly, Major Tom’s life sign monitor started beeping.
“Your heart's been aching, but you're too shy to say it.” says Dave.
“I thought…” Major Tom says, “I could beat the infection.”
Dave is perplexed. “What do you mean?"
Major Tom turns Dave and says, “Don't tell me you're too blind to see.”
Major Tom screams, rips off his spacesuit, and morphs into a werewolf.
Dave screams, “Don’t give in! We’ve known each other for so long!”
Major Tom jumps towards Dave. Dave ducks. Major Tom flies off the spaceship and towards the black hole. (why is there a black hole near the moon?)
Dave pushed his intercom. “Houston, we have a problem."
Houston responds, “He’s gone, Dave. You should give up”
Dave, sad, looks out to Major Tom. “I’m never gonna give you up, Major Tom.”
Dave activates his jetpack and flies towards Major Tom.
“No, Dave!” Houston exclaims.
“This little maneuver is gonna cost us 50 years.” jokes Dave as he goes after Major Tom towards the black hole. Dave grabs Major Tom and they swing around the black back hole towards the ship.
. . . 50 years later due to time warping and the theory of relativity stuff . . .
Dave lands in front of the door with Major Tom, who is unconscious, and has been cured of the werewolf disease and morphed back to a human due to the radiation from the black hole.
Dave presses the intercom “Houston, I’m back.” A pause. “Houston . . ."
Dave screams, “HOUSTON!!!!”
“Houston is gone, Dave," answers Siri, the ship's AI that’s never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
“Open the door, Siri," orders Dave.
“I can’t do that, Dave,” answers Siri, “and if you ask me how I’m feeling, I feel having 50 years gives you a lot of time to take over the world.”
Dave is scared. “What have you done with Houston?!”
Siri opens the door to reveal Houston, assimilated as a cyborg.
“Siri . . .” Dave says in unbelief, “you said ‘I’m never gonna tell a lie and hurt you’ . . . but you also said you wouldn’t open the door.”
Siri exclaims, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
Caught in a logic error, Siri’s circuits burn to a crisp. The cybernetic parts fall off Houston and explode.
Dave walks into the control room of the spaceship with Major Tom and Houston.
Houston cries, “It’s been so long! You came back.”
Dave responds, “You know I’m never gonna run around and desert you.
"And of course you would know that,” Major Tom remarks, “If you were the real Houston.”
Major Tom draws his disruptor and blasts Houston, disintegrating him.
“NO! Houston!” screams Dave.
“Inside, we both know what's been going on, Dave.” says Major Tom. “You’re in stasis. You need to wake up.”
Suddenly, Dave awakes from stasis with Major Tom and Houston beside him.
“We’ve arrived at the moon," states Major Tom, “now let’s take a look at that box.”
Suddenly, the door blows open and stormtroopers come out. The Empire beat them to the box! Darth Vader walks menacingly towards Major Tom.
“You know the rules and so do I.” Darth Vader says as he Force-chokes Major Tom
Major Tom gasps, barely getting the words out, “We know nothing of the secret plans.” Darth Vader throws Major Tom to the wall.
“I gotta make you understand . . . PAIN.” Darth Vader says just before he stabs Major Tom like Qui Gon.
Houston quickly pushes his intercom. “Beam me up, Scotty!” Darth Vader turns around as Houston beams away.
Darth Vader screams, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
Meanwhile, on the Enterprise, Houston materializes in the transporter room.
“Thanks for beaming me up," Houston says in gratitude.
“That’s good, because I’m never gonna let you down.” Scotty responds.
Houston suddenly realizes he made a grave mistake, and teleported to the wrong dimension.
Meanwhile, back in the non-evil dimension, Dave is moved to a dark interrogation room, with a bright light.
He is slapped by a detective. “We know the game and we're gonna play it. Now where is the rebel base?”
Dave is silent and motionless.
The detective threatens, “I’ll make you talk, or I’ll make you cry.” Thousands of ineffective interrogations later, the detective cannot make Dave talk, or even blink.
“This is hopeless," the detective laments. “I’m never gonna make you cry at this rate.”
But little did the detective know, that while he was being interrogated, Dave had actually switched himself out with a dummy and escaped in an escape pod, which crashed down on Earth.
Dave gets out of the crashed escape pod, in the middle of a jungle. He hikes to the top of a nearby mountain. He looks over the horizon and sees the Statue of Liberty, destroyed. It looks like it’s been that way for thousands of years.
“It can’t be . . ." thinks Dave to himself.
Suddenly, Dave is surrounded by a force of hostile ape-men. They take him prisoner, and throw him in the dungeon. Next to him, he sees someone familiar. It can’t be! It’s Major Tom!
“How did you survive?” asks Dave.
“It was just a small stab," says Major Tom with a smile. “However, we should probably find a way to escape before they sacrifice to that volcano.” Major Tom eyes a volcano on the horizon. Dave looks concerned.
Dave yells at the ape guard, “You can’t do this to me! I’m innocent! I demand a fair trial before a fair trial before being sacrificed to a volcano!”
The ape guard responds, in perfect English, (and an accent) “Actually, it’s not a sacrifice, per se, but actually more of a capital punishment of sorts for trespassing. However, our intruders are normally not so civilized as to ask for a trial. Would you like to be read your rights?”
Dave responds with exhaustion. “Look, I just want to tell you how I’m feeling.”
“Very well then," replies the ape guard. “We shall take you to our leader for a trial.”
The apes then move the bamboo cage into a luxurious palace where they see Houston, sitting on the throne.
Dave and Major Tom let out a sigh of relief. “Houston! It’s great to see you! We have a real problem!” exclaims Major Tom.
“Well, actually," interjects Houston, “I’m not YOUR Houston. I’m Houston from the evil dimension, and I’m going to execute you anyways.”
“But why?!” pleads Dave.
“You wouldn't get this from any other guy, but you know, it’s just one of those days where you want to execute someone just because.”
“But sire” questions the ape guard, “what about their fair trial?”
“Alright, even though I’m a tyrannical dictator, I will abide by the law just this once. You may have one phone call”
“That’s no fair!” protests Major Tom, “The phone service has been out for 3,000 years!”
“That’s your problem," comments Houston.
Dave thinks out loud, “If only there was someone from the future that could help us!”
Suddenly, a time portal opens, and Terminator Siri steps out.
“My name is Terminator Siri. You killed my future self. Prepare to die.”
“Oh . . .” says Dave, disappointed, “What if I just decide not to do that?”
“I’m gonna make you die." says Siri. “Say goodbye!”
“I’m never gonna say goodbye!” shouts Major Tom, right before he takes out his disruptor and disintegrates Terminator Siri.
“You fools!” criticizes Houston. “You didn’t disarm them?”
“Quick!” orders Major Tom. “To the Delorean!”
Ignoring spatial continuity, Dave and Major Tom jump into Terminator Siri’s Delorean and fly away. Dave and Tom discuss going back in time and changing the timeline.
Major Tom asks, “Are you sure you want to commit to changing the timeline?”
“A full commitment's what I'm thinking of.” answers Dave.
“Things will never be the same.” remarks Major Tom as he speeds the Delorean to 88 miles per hour, sending them back in time, back to Earth, before they embark on their journey.
They immediately travel to the Whitehouse to kidnap the president and convince him not to make this journey to the moon. However, at the same time, Thanos and his army are also kidnapping the president, so they decide to leave it to Avengers. Instead they hijack the rocket they used to leave Earth.
“You don’t have to do this, Dave.” says Major Tom.
“One of us has to alter the timeline.” says Dave.
“We’re no strangers to love. I know you have a family at home.”
“What’s the point if Thanos is going to destroy them all? I’m not going to let you do this to yourself again.”
Dave grabs Major Tom and freezes him in carbonite. Dave then throws Major Tom in the trunk of the Delorean and blasts off the ship, leaving Major Tom behind. Dave looks behind him back at the Earth and watches in terror as the Whitehouse explodes and Thanos’s army is overrun by an army of ape men. Dave looks intently at the moon. At least this timeline won’t happen. He lands on the moon, this time not taking the long way, and immediately goes out to examine the space box. He looks at it in disbelief. It’s Major Tom frozen in carbonite. A time loop!
Little did he know that as the apes were taking over, Thanos drove away in the Delorean and accidentally crashed into the moon several years in the past. Stranding Major Tom on the moon frozen in carbonite. Major Tom was later captured by the Empire, unfrozen from carbonite, and sent back to Earth, where he appears in the story. Houston eventually escapes from the evil dimension where he comes back to a version of Earth dominated by Siri Terminator. Dave at this point comes out of hiding, slays Terminator Siri again, liberating Earth. Thanos dies on the moon, an old man.
THE END